Sunday, November 23, 2008

WASPs

Until today we lived in relative harmony with the critters living in and around our home. The hermit crabs and lizards skitter away as we near, the geckos respectfully watch over us as we sleep, the banana spiders spin webs from our doorways to the bushes but stay still as Christmas ornaments; even the two large cockroaches we killed neglected to lay eggs and re-populate our kitchen.


We like to open our windows and sliding glass door in the morning to let the breeze in and give the air-con a break. There are screens but there are gaps between the screens and their housings. I was doing laundry this morning, holding a pot full of wet laundry (Sloan will explain later), when a wasp entered our abode and hovered straight at my face. I fell straight on my ass trying to dodge its path and closed my eyes hoping it wouldn't sting my forehead. Sloan laughed. You see, I hate flying stinging things. I can deal with sharks, snakes, eels, angry dogs, spiders, the dark, but give it wings and venom and I'm done. I hid in the bedroom while Sloan tried to chase it out with her bare hands, in shorts and a sports bra no less. She opened all the doors and tried to coax it out. She discovered their nest above our front doorway. I came out with a spray bottle of Formula 409 and a towel like a matador but ran back to the room and shut the door every time it came near.

I was afraid for my life and Sloan was just mad she couldn't do her work. Anyway, using a combination of slipper, towel, 409 and opening and shutting various doors we finally trapped it between a screen and glass window and killed it. I went to Kmart and bought $12 worth of wasp killing products and we doused its hive in chemicals. I apologize to all you animal lovers out there. And don't tell me there's some home remedy with vinegar and lemonade that would have lulled them to sleep. I want them dead.

And for those of you who thought this was a blog entry on white over-privileged kids living in the boondocks - shame on you.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Fronteir Furnishings

The economical and green housing featured in Dwell, Newsweek, Architectural Digest, whatever, are about as frugal and eco-friendly as buying a new Prius when you have a perfectly good 2004 Civic sitting in the garage. These magazines have the daunting task of featuring something new, some kind of upgrade, when the obvious solution is making do with what you've got. But you can't sell magazines telling people to do nothing, go borrow a library book and drink tap water. I'm not suggesting that our current furnishings are completely guilt-free. We did have to buy a bunch of stuff 'cause we were not about to ship containers of furniture to Guam or drive around for months searching for that perfect garage sale with that perfect dining table. We tried, and then we heard horror stories of couches filled with roach's nests. I am also embarassed that as a furnituremaker I failed to build any of our furniture. But hey, tools cost money - and so does wood. So here's what we ended up with. Suggestions are welcome.

Entertainment center. Yes, those are cinder blocks: $1.29 each at The Depot. That TV/DVD/VCR was free courtesy of Dave Wilson. And yes, the fan is absolutely necessary to the enjoyment of any entertainments.





Couch. That's a $59 queen sized sofa bed - top that Ikea. That glass lamp, which we got at Kwong Hwa furniture superstore, was $20. Its box doubles as a stand and get this, it's got two switches, one for the main light and another that turns on a nightlight inside the glass base. We didn't even know that when we bought it. That one's coming with us.



Office #1/ Dining Table/ Kitchen Counter/ Room Divider. Five piece beech set: $140 on sale at Kwung Hwa. Proving once again that the kitchen is the focal point of any household. Especially when that kitchen gets wireless.



Queen Sized Bed/Potential Sofa #2. Also $59. Yes, it is always that well made.

OK, so our current furniture is not ideal. Our backs will feel much better a year from now. But we're young and maybe a bad back's worth it if we can afford that mill loft in Oakland, especially if Anthony Morrow's still killin' it.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Things in the Road

I didn't take any pictures this week. Many things happened and perhaps as a result of the surge in activity I was less concerned with documenting it. I wrote about it though. Specifically, some things that happened on Thursday, November 13th, which wasn't a Friday but was a full moon. Here are five stories, based on true events, though I have taken liberties with things actually said and thought.
_____________________________

This morning, a rhythmic thumping we first thought was our truck, a faulty bearing maybe. A helicopter, large and dark green, hovering over the trees. It crossed the roadway and despite its size reminded me of a Pueo, an owl, coasting over Oahu's H-3 late one night a decade or so ago. Rumors of what the white owl portents - neither good or bad, just a warning to be aware of things to come. We stay on the south shore, far from Anderson military base, but it has found us. It skims the ocean, its fan blades sending out mushy ripples like milk pouring into a cup of tea.

***
This morning, on the hills of Inarajan, rising and falling like a sea serpent's back, a pair of horses. Deep brown and proud, they were lost but held their heads high. They made moves to cross the street until a car, horn blasting threw their confidence. I told Sloan to hurry, don't give them time to wander on to the road where they might trample us. At least it felt that way they were so large. Out here in the country, with stray dogs conferencing around spilled fiesta plates, tin-roofed houses with miniature tin roofed houses for fighting cocks, the tall, head high grasses blocking the view of anything just past the road, it is difficult to know where these horses came from. They may have broken free, I seem to remember their ribs showing slightly, but what do I know about horses? They were so large that even in our truck whose rumblings and tickings seem to get louder each day, we could hear the heavy thud of their steps on the grass.

***
A pit bull has been dead on the side of the road for a week. We are surprised its owner hasn't come to pick it up because usually these types of dogs are chained, guarding houses. It is not unusual to see dogs lying crushed on the road but usually they are mixed breeds, indistinguishable mutts. After three days the dogs body was bloated and stiff, its skin turned a dark gray. After five its body had torn somewhere and its soupy insides spilled onto the breakdown lane. Sloan made a point of rolling up her window and swerving if she was driving when we went past. It is really too bad because it looked like a good strong dog, not like the usual riff-raff we see lying in the road.

***

At the intersection of Rt. 4 and Rt. 10 we wait to make a left turn at a light with a left turn signal. In front of us is a recent model gray Toyota, bulbous the way modern cars are, like a bunch of grapes. The light turns green and it inches forward in no hurry to make the turn, a carriage ride in the park. A smaller car, light blue, approaches from the left. It is not moving fast, just cruising along. We think, because if its leisurely speed it is aware, that it will stop. It keeps moving, at fifteen maybe twenty miles an hour as the Toyota in front of us suffers into the turn. The small car hits it squarely in the rear, around the gas tank access. It only makes a small sound, like a phone book falling on the floor. The small car keeps moving as though it just went through a deep pothole. We can not make out the expressions of the couple in the front seats. It continues its pace North on Rt. 4. The bulbous car now turns slower than before, it pulls into a gas station, stops near the air/water machine. We too keep moving slowly. Having not seen the license plate on the smaller car, we don't think we can help.

***

In the news this evening, a missing fisherman. A few nights ago, around eight, a man named George knocked on our door. He had coffee colored skin, stocky, and was struggling to get into a wet-suit as he talked to me. Sloan hid in the bathroom. He wanted to show respect, he said, wanted to know if he could park in front of our house, if he could fish at the reef.
"Sure, sure," I said.
"We only wanted to show respect, you know," he said.
"Of course," I said. "No Problem."
"The guy who lived here before, John, he let us fish before. We only wanted to make sure it was ok with you."
"Fine. No worries. Good luck."
A few minutes later three men with scuba tanks and spears walked past our windows, a dim fluorescent lamp swinging from one of their arms.
The news tonight, four or five days later, was the missing fisherman. The military had sent out helicopters to scan the shorelines. His two friends had made it back. They could not find their friend. I don't think it was George. It was quite a while ago George came to our door and they could not have been fishing that long. I didn't finish the article I was reading. I didn't want to know the details and besides, it was hot and Sloan claims this slows you down, makes you tired, a sticky uncomfortable tired.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Callog (Car + Collage + Blog)

Alright, so I pilfered the title from my sister's phlog (photo + blog) as well as the entire format for my blog. The truth is out. Check it out 'cause the pictures are sick and the stories are much more gramatically correct and interesting.

I've been spending too much time writing stuffs that are a chore to read over so take a moment to witness the collage of our truck's ailments.

The steering column held together with electrical tape. You can't see it here but the odometer's stuck at 92,858.


The duct tape where someone jimmied the lock and split open the door. This is the lock that works. The other side opens whenever it feels like it.


The rust holes straight through the bumper. Sometimes when we drive over a particularly vicious pothole I swear I hear something snapping.


Trenches in the dashboard. That's the left door speaker there. No matter, the digital display on the radio is illegible, it looks like Klingon.


Here's a three-fer. Cinder blocks to weigh down the back so it doesn't fishtail on the slippery coral road to the marine lab. Cooler so that our groceries don't melt and for extra rain-protected storage. Windshield wiper fluid - though there's a hole in the fluid tank and it all leaks out within an hour.

We're taking guesses as to how much we got it for. Also suggestions for names besides The Hindenburg.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Sloan Brings Home the Bacon


I couldn't get pictures of Sloan at the actual event for two reasons. One of them is not that I didn't get up at 3:40 in the AM to drive to the Pacific Islands Club (PIC) in Tumon.

1. I got suckered in to working at a water distribution table for the half marathon by my volleyball team.
2. The race officials messed up the results (they thought Sloan was a man) and she didn't get called up to the stage to accept her prize which were, in order of excellent-ness:
  • An engraved medal
  • An engraved pewter Tiffany Revere Bowl in a big turquoise Tiffany box.
  • $500 money-cash.
All this just for winning a 5k! She said it felt good. Who knew it could be so easy.

I can't say I've been supportive enough to watch all of Sloan's races, but this one ranks up there with the best of them. It sure beats sitting on some granite rock in Jamaica Park when it's 60 degrees and raining. I got to stand on the side of the road and hand out twice used sponges to sweaty people. I got to hear Womanizer at least three times blasting on Christian's Acura car stereo. I got to see the last of three choreographed dance showcases (One Tahitian, one Hawaiian, one Chamorro). I got to eat two Egg McMuffins, a doughnut, a hot dog and down a canned coffee drink from Japan.* Best of all, I got to be there when Sloan cleaned house.**

*The other food & beverage options at the PIC after party included: doughnut holes, mini muffins, ice cream, yakisoba, energy drinks, and Miller light. For real.

**I realize this is all about
me even though Sloan did the running. I asked her to put a few words down regarding her own race experience but she squished her face at me. If you want to hear it in her own words - send a persuasive comment.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Dong Won


How beautiful is that! Like butterflies at the natural history museum or a marching band at half time. This, if you don't read Korean, is a Dong Won gift pack, given to us, as a gift, from Sloan's good friend and niece of the Dong Won empire. Not only are the items in the Dong Won gift pack aesthetically arranged in their own pockets in the gift box, that gift box comes in the dark blue fabric gift case with easy carry handle. In the Dong Won gift pack are a dozen cans of dolphin safe tuna in light oil and four cans of luncheon meat (I assume it's like SPAM though I haven't tried it because I can't bring myself to disturb the feng shui of the gift pack. It could be better than SPAM in which case there will be a sequel blog with even more exclamation points).

Suffice it to say, I'm a sucker for presentation and Dong Won has taken items usually stacked in menacing towers at the ends of aisles in grocery stores, ready to be desiccated come WWIII or a giant tsunami, and actually made it look appealing. Now if only they could do this for Crisco or toilet paper (so I don't have to be all embarrassed carrying that 24 roll pack like a donkey out of K-mart).

Stay tuned for the recipes.
Love in Life.
Word.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Elect Papayas

It's hard to get fully invested in all this election coverage when I'm sitting all alone in our Merizo house. I'm trying. I've got my desktop radio on, streaming from the internet because I can't get any stations in this metal container. I'm refreshing various websites as the vote counts come in. I'm reading the analysis of the exit polls. Maybe this is what all those families felt like in the forties huddled around their radios listening to coverage of a war far far away.


That being said, I can hear the ocean and see the tide coming in. I'm a little worried about the papaya tree outside our back window. It's got a good dozen pint-sized green papayas on it but they haven't gotten any bigger in the last month. One, still only baby fist sized turned orange and promptly shriveled. I think it's the massive vine choking the tree's trunk. These are my concerns down here in Merizo.

Oh, and look at that. Obama's taken Ohio. NPR's already calling the election, practically. Nice.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Girls in Trucks

Not to be confused with Girls on Trucks, which may be one of those shrink-wrapped magazines on the top rack at 7eleven.

I need to make an at the very least controversial assertion that we, husbands, may not fully appreciate the coolness capacity of our wives until we have watched them drive a rickety, rusted out, power steering and air conditioning-less pickup in a humid and pothole filled country. Ideally in a tank top with Jackie-O sunglasses. It's a pretty bad-ass sight to behold, like watching your mother eat balut. I'll go ahead and extend this observation to girlfriend-boyfriends, girlfriend-girlfriend, and mother-child relationships.

As sexist as that might sound I also want to point out that a book came out recently also called Girls in Trucks which, from what I gather from the Amazon book review, is all about women who are living life on their own in New York, apparently the testing ground for living life on one's own. If anyone's actually read the book please feel free to correct my usage or advise me on it's merits or defects.


This isn't to say that women can't drive trucks - more that trucks lend themselves to the kind of decay and disrepair that some women and many modern men for that matter would normally opt out of. Somehow you stop thinking about all the previous owners back-sweat that may have soaked into the fabric seating after you've contributed a few pints of your own. In this new age of GPS navigation, climate zones, bumper video cameras and engines that turn off at stop lights, it's nice to know that we can get by with four wheels and a windshield. Well, you know what I mean.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Head Pain

I've been getting headaches. Not terrible ones, lingerers that squat on my temples waiting for a reason to spring. Now that I've become a pain-killing-pill-popper like House I am encouraged to trace the epidemiological roots of these headaches which are undoubtedly linked to either of the two most significant recent changes in my life: marriage or Guam. Here are the possibilities (if I had a dry-erase board I would be using it here).

1. Hard Water: Guam tap water is heavy on the minerals. There is a cut copper pipe specimen sitting on the desk of the biology teacher I was subbing for showing calcium deposits that have nearly closed off the hole. I imagine that could be going on in the capillaries in my brain.

2. Sunglasses: Besides the overwhelming amount of sunshine, many of Guam's roads are made of coral, which is light grey like concrete and reflects the rampant sunshine exponentially, forcing me to wear sunglasses most of the day (and also because I like to look cool). I do not often wear sunglasses because something in my face disagrees with them: they pinch a nerve or block a vessel or pressure a point. Whatever the cause: sunglasses = headaches. But should they continue after I've removed them?

3. Dress Codes: Guam's private schools are all Catholic and have dress codes for students and teachers. I wear a tie to work, most of which Sloan thinks are ugly as sin, and they cause unaccustomed to pressure on my neck that my five years of woodworking failed to prepare me for.


6. Deliveries: This is more of a metaphorical headache and I think the busted box closely approximates the feeling of my head. We had a number of packages shipped to us around October 12th, Priority. Three of seven, or so, have arrived in the span of 2 weeks, all in various states of ill treatment. They look like they've been opened with a rolling pin, punched, or juggled Ace Ventura style. Apparently now things can't be shipped from Maryland to Guam due to some "security threat," quite possibly some guy at the USPS Guam office with a rolling pin. We are still waiting for 3.

7. Cheap Beer: Because UOG is bad at paperwork and I currently only have intermittent job options, we are on budget lockdown or a spending freeze. I imagine other young peoples hoping to buy a house or having kids or attending school are in a similar doldrums. We are cutting back, limiting excess, being vigilant. Now, because we're on Guam and Budwiser is a major sponsor of basically every sporting and entertainment event, an influential community organizer and co-founder of the "I Recycle Program" (a grassroots initiative to recycle mostly their own cans), I couldn't give up beer entirely. Lucky for me, there are a few cheaper beer alternatives available and while I don't want to offend anyone's personal preferences let me just say that the headaches are hardly worth the extra pocket change.

5. Marriage: Actually, that one's going pretty good.

Feel free to comment on other possible causes, homeopathic remedies, or to donate to the Merizo Tasty Beer Fund.